It seems like one of the most common questions I hear from families—no matter where they are in their child’s eating journey—is some version of:
“Why won’t my child eat?” “Why won’t they eat more?” or “Why won’t they eat what I want them to eat?”
Whether your child is tube-fed, eats a limited or restricted diet, has a diagnosis like ARFID, or is simply a cautious toddler or a selective teenager, my first thought when I hear these questions is usually this: There may be a disruption in your child’s intrinsic motivation to eat.
Sitting with that idea for a moment can help you start to understand where your child (or client) might be in their feeding journey.
We eat because we’re hungry.
We eat because we want to eat.
Our bodies send cues that guide us toward food.
That’s what intrinsic motivation looks like.
So what does it mean when a child doesn’t eat?
It can mean they aren’t hungry, that they’re scared of the food, that they’ve had a negative experience, that the food causes discomfort, or that thoughts like “This will make me sick,” or “This will make me fat,” or “This texture makes me gag” are clouding their motivation.
A child can only begin to eat intrinsically—driven by their own internal cues—when they feel safe at mealtimes.
If a child feels anxious, pressured, or forced, their body’s survival instincts override the natural urge to eat. Simply put, humans don’t eat when we feel unsafe.
So the true cue for readiness to eat is not hunger—it’s safety.
That safety grows in an environment built on trust, empathy, and respect, where a child’s “no” is honored as communication, not defiance.
Marsha Dunn Klein speaks beautifully about this idea through her concept of intrinsic motivation and the “lean-in” approach.
Observing your child’s body language during meals can help you understand what’s happening internally:
- Are they leaning in toward the food?
- Are they pulling back?
- Or are they sitting neutrally, watching and waiting?
Each of these movements gives you valuable information about what their body and nervous system are communicating.
Once you recognize those cues, you can begin to put language to the experience, helping your child understand their own reactions:
- “Wow, it was so brave of you to try something new.”
- “Your body used to feel nervous around carrots, but now it feels safe.”
When we break it down, supporting a child’s intrinsic eating looks like this:
- Build safety and trust.
- Watch for the cues—lean in, pull back, or neutral.
- Name what’s happening in a supportive way.
- Celebrate every small step toward curiosity and comfort with food.
1. The “Lean-In” Cue
- Action: The child shifts their body or head forward toward the food, or opens their mouth in anticipation.
- Internal Message: “I am curious,” “I feel safe enough,” or “I want this.”
- Adult Response: This is the cue for the adult to offer the food, as the child has given “permission” for the interaction.
2. The “Pull-Back” Cue
- Action: The child shifts their body or head away from the food, turns their head, clamps their mouth shut, or raises their hands in a protective manner.
- Internal Message: “I am scared,” “I am worried about this food,” “I don’t want this,” or “My body does not feel safe.”
- Adult Response: This is the cue to stop, respect the “no,” and back off. Continuing to press the issue at this point teaches the child to ignore their body’s signals and increases fear.
3. Neutral Cue
- Action: The child remains still, watching the food or the parent, showing no clear movement toward or away from the offer.
- Internal Message: “I’m assessing the situation,” “I need more time,” or “I am not motivated right now.”
- Adult Response: The adult should wait and not offer the food until a clear “lean-in” cue is seen, or they can simply hold the food in an unpressured way as an “opportunity” for exploration, without demanding a bite.
– Rebecca Taskin